Apr 7, 2019
We know that many parents are dealing with a son or daughter
announcing that they are gay. In this episode, Dr. John shares
critical insights from “Messy Grace” by Pastor Caleb Kaltenbach,
and he’ll offer some biblical strategies to bring together both the
grace and truth of Jesus Christ. This episode will speak to those
who want to know how to respond to the LGBTQ issue.
Caleb Kaltenbach is a pastor and founder of The Messy Grace Group where he helps
churches love and create belonging for those who
relate as LGBTQ without sacrificing theological convictions.
Find more information at his website: https://www.calebkaltenbach.com/
What we talked
about
I. Did You Know. Stats come from the Williams
Institute at UCLA.
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/visualization/lgbt-stats/?topic=LGBT#density
II. Caleb Kaltenbach’s 5 Don'ts. When
your teen son or daughter announces they are gay, here are five
things that author Caleb Kaltenbach says you should not do:
- Don’t look disappointed,
- Don’t get mad,
- Don’t throw out Bible verses,
- Don’t compare, and
- Don’t try to get them counseling.
III. Dr. John shares insights from his years of counseling
and addresses these questions:
- Have you found in your years of counseling that one of these 5
items is the biggest knee-jerk response of parents? (Dr. John:
anger)
- Which of the 5 don'ts seems to be the most difficult for
parents to grasp? (Dr. John: counseling)
- Are there any don'ts from your experience that you'd add to
that list? (Dr. John: shaming)
IV. What if someone gives you an ultimatum,
“Either you accept this part of my life or I will have nothing to
do with you”? How do we respond in that situation to a friend or
family member? Can we accept without condoning them?
- Ephesians 4:15, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we
will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is
the head, that is, Christ.”
- Affirm the value of the relationship.
- We want to be compassionate without condoning.
- Proverbs 9:10, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of
wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”
V. Action Item. As a parent, how
should you respond when a son or daughter announces they are gay?
Dr. John says there is always one thing for you to do as a parent:
Affirm your relationship with your
teen.
Here are some other action steps for
parents:
- Recognize you will have strong feelings, but this is not the
time to argue or get mad.
- Seek counseling for yourself.
- Be respectful and non-reactive. If you have already reacted,
you may need to apologize.
- Do your best to interact well, emulating Christ’s character,
and let that guide your attitude and approach.
- Get on the same page with your spouse as quickly as
possible.
- You may want to round up some support of close, trusted
allies.
- You may have personal faith-questions. This can be a time of
confirming your convictions.
- It’s ok to acknowledge your emotions and the need for time to
sort them out.
- Take the initiative to affirm your son or daughter.
- Affirm continuing unconditional love.
- Maintaining the relationship and maintaining godly
influence.
- Be conscious in your choice to approach the matter in a
“discovery mode” and encourage your child to do the same, if
possible.
- Ask a few questions: What led you to believe that you might be
gay? Have you ever experienced feelings of attraction to the
opposite sex? When did you first become aware of your attraction to
others of the same sex? What was your initial reaction to those
feelings? How persistent are those feelings? Have you talked to
someone about them?
- You will want to know if they still view themselves as a
Christian.
Quote from Caleb:
- “Jesus’s command to ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ does not
have an exception clause for a gay ‘neighbor’—or, for that matter,
any other ‘neighbor’ we might find hard to relate to.”
- “Messiness is what happens when you try to live out God’s
perfect grace as a flawed person in a flawed world.”
- “Ultimately it doesn’t matter what you think. It matters what
God thinks.”
- “I want you to become a change agent, moving the culture of
your local church in the direction of more openness toward people
who are different from you.”
- “Christians need to stop trying to convert people’s sexuality.
It isn’t our job to change someone’s sexual orientation. You
and I are not called by God to make gay people straight.”
- “Every person in one way or another needs to exchange a false
identity he or she has for an identity in the risen Christ.”
About the podcast: Teens, Tech & God
is a podcast resource brought to you by Dr. John Thorington,
director of Restoring Hearts Counseling in Colorado Springs,
Colorado, and author of the book “Pure Teens.” The podcast is
dedicated to equipping parents with the tools and knowledge to
raise kids committed to God’s purpose for sexuality, the family,
and the honorable use of all technology. For more information,
visit the Restoring Hearts Counseling website: http://www.restoringheartscounseling.com